The Egosystem

1000 points of hate shine from the mirror into my eyes.

Where am I?

it can be.

but what a price.

Not being able to say anything about anything truly impairs my ability to say anything.

Thinking conclusionary thoughts,

and thinking introductory thoughts tonight.

Full of disappointment and wonder.

i can’t watch it any more.

i can’t listen any more.

am i focusing on the negative?  is there something else to focus on?

if i swallowed a stick of dynamite and blew myself up into tiny pieces, and then those tiny pieces were each cut in half a million more times until only atoms of atoms of atoms were left, you would find it there.

I’ll bet you could not discern that I am in complete disarray.

time passes but i remain in the moment.

i’ll never, never, ever understand.

Inexplicable.

In these four days of non-work:

Stacked a boatload (and not a dinghy) of wood.  Two boatloads left to stack.

Ripped up carpet in the boys’ room, put down new flooring, took out two old beds, put together new bunkbeds, hauled boxes and remnants to burn pile

Worked on a team Econ paper, have final exam left tomorrow and then this class is put to bed

Thanksgiving festivities at in-laws

8 loads of laundry – only 8!

Grocery shopping – twice

Cleaned upstairs not perfectly, but PDG

Some Christmas shopping

And…

Got a drum set.  A really nice drum set.  It’s sitting right in front of me now, I’m glancing up at it now.  How this can be true is beyond me.  Honestly, this is one of my premier life goals completed (two down, one to go).  This is something I have wanted to with every fiber of my being for at least 23 years.

And now that it is here, I feel nothing.  I can’t explain it.  WTF is wrong with me?

This site…”The Egosystem” and its web address “egocentricity.net”…allude only to the fact that this is all about me…for whatever good or bad that brings.

This site, one could say, is “self-centered”…or rather, centered on self.

Yet, truth be told, I am the least selfish person I know.  Sometimes I find it, often I find it…absurd that those who know me do not notice all that I give.  More truth: the entire theme of my life so far has been my willingness to give to those I love.  And I give, as they say, until it hurts.

And then I give some more.

Just crafted two pumpkin pies which are now baking. Someone slit my throat please. From tomorrow until Jan 1 is the worst time of the year, and that is really saying something.