November 2002 Archives

I've had more than one request to make this site "a more positive place." I'm not sure what that means. Does that mean blur the truth to paint a prettier picture? Does that mean to "look on the bright side"?

And I'm seriously gonna flip out if one more person says to me, in effect, "You've got plenty to be thankful for! You're alive, aren't you? You've got you're health, you can walk and talk and a roof over your head, blah cetera". And you, don't even think about it...

I am a capitalist through and through. Yet, having now been affiliated with three large corporations, I have major concerns about "corporate America." It never fails that the more I understand about a company, the more I wonder how the fuck they stay in business. Typical questions I ask myself are: "Could this organization possibly be any more inefficient?", "Did it take the leadership here six months to make this incorrect decision when it could've taken five seconds for someone on the front line to make the correct decision?", "You're paid how much to jack-off all day in meetings and avoid responsibility?", "Does it make sense for a company this large to have information systems from 1982?" and on and on and on. It's incredible. If the companies I've worked for can be hugely successful with such incompetent leaders, how successful could they have been with someone with an inkling of intelligence at the helm?

ever hear a song that speaks to you like nothing else? it becomes a personal anthem. i've heard one, and in honer of the effect it's had on me, i'm posting selected lyrics here. i couldn't have said it better myself. thanks marshall.

some days I just wanna up and call it quits
i feel like i'm surrounded by a wall of bricks
every time i go to get up i just fall in piss
my life's like one great big ball of shit
if i could just put it all into all i spit
instead of always tryin to swallow it
instead of starin at this wall and shit
while i sit writer's block, sick of all this shit
can't call it, shit
all i know is I'm about to hit the wall

this is it, last straw, that's all, that's it
i ain't dealin with another fuckin politic
i'm like a skillet bubblin until it filters up
i'm about to kill it, i can feel it buildin up
blow this buildin up, i've been sealed enough
my cup runneth over i done filled it up
the pen explodes and busts, ink spills my guts
you think all i do is stand here and feel my nuts?
well i'ma show you what, you gon' feel my rush
you don't feel it, then it must be too real to touch
peal the dutch, i'm about to tear shit up
goosebumps yea, i'ma make your hair sit up
yea sit up, i'ma tell you who i be
i'ma make you hate me, cause you ain't me
you wait, it ain't too late to finally see
what you closed-minded fucks were too blind to see
whoever finds me is gonna get a finder's fee
out this world, ain't no one out there mind as me
you need piece of mind? here's a piece of mine
all i need's a line
but sometimes i don't always find the words to rhyme
to express how I'm really feelin at that time
yea sometimes sometimes sometimes
it's just sometimes, it's always me
how dark can these hallways be?
the clock strikes midnight, one two then half past three
this half-assed rhyme with this half-assed piece of paper
{*rip*} i'm desperate at my desk
if i can just get the rest of the shit off my chest again
stuck in this slum, can't think of nothin
fuck i'm stumped, but wait, here comes somethin
{*crumples paper*} nope, it's not good enough, scribble it out
new pad, crinkle it up, and throw the shit out
i'm fizzlin now, thought i figured it out
ball's in my court, but I'm scared to dribble it out
i'm afraid, but why am i afraid?
why am i a slave to this trade?
signed out of spit to the grave
real enough to rile you up
want me to flip it i can rip it any style you want
i'm a switch hitter bitch,...i ain't a quitter i'ma sit until i get enough in me to finally hit a
fuckin boilin point, put some oil in your joints
flip the coin bitch, come get destroyed
an mc's worst dream, i make 'em tense
they hate me, see me and shake like a chainlink fence
by the looks of 'em, you would swear that jaws was comin
by the screams of 'em, you would swear i'm sawin someone
by the way they're runnin, you would swear the law was comin
it's now or never and tonight is all or nothin

i'll be back baby, i just gotta beat this clock
fuck this clock, i'ma make 'em eat this watch
don't believe me watch, i'ma win this race
and i'ma come back and rub my shit in your face, bitch
i found my niche, you gon' hear my voice
'til you sick of it, you ain't gonna have a choice
if I gotta scream 'til i have half a lung
if i had half a chance i'd grab it - rabbit, run

I think I reached some kind of breaking point yesterday.

I don't have all the answers, but I know what to do next.

Some intelligent words from Neil Cavuto.

I Hate Governments Link O'The Day

Incredible Idiots Link O'The Day

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Next week is the Great American Smoke-out. Whoop-tee-doo. For me, it will be the Great American Out-Smoke, as in: Hey buddy, I'll bet I can out-smoke you.

Personally, I think the government should ban anything that could possibly be a risk to anyone ever. Any mode of transportation. All meat. All junk food. All drugs, even Tylenol and aspirin and penicillin. Baseball bats. Scissors. Knives. Fists. Shoot, maybe we should all just be suspended in liquid and be fed a nutritionally balanced stew through an IV. I think I'm getting somewhere on this...let me think on it some more.

Have I mentioned yet that I suffer from chronic migraine headaches? Three, four times a month one comes. Usually for a day or two before it hits you feel it coming...you're super sleepy and can't focus on anything. When it arrives, it brings with it such intense pain that you wish you would die to make it stop. You can't sit up, can't lay down, lightning bolts of pain shoot across your head when you put it on a pillow. After hours of this, either you puke and fall asleep or your body just gives up and shuts down for awhile. When you wake up, you feel better, but your head is full of "cobwebs" of pain for the next day or so.

Currently, I'm experiencing cobwebs, so I bid you goodnight.

A bunch of PETA folks stormed the runway at a Victoria's Secret fashion show. They were angry with fur-lover Gisele. Quick note to PETA: get the fuck over it. They're animals.

In case anyone out there didn't know it, animals don't have rights. Why? Follow me here: because they're animals. Only humans have rights.

In a related note, not all homo sapiens are humans. Prerequisite to being human is a mind capable of rationality and responsibility. From experience, I'd say that cuts the human population down to about ten.

Continuing with the controversial thought of the day: so are children human? Do children have rights? No, they do not. They might in the future, but children are all potential humans. So is abortion ok? Yes. What if I murder your child? Not ok. I've violated your property rights.

Extend this thought as far as you like. Talk amongst yourselves.

It's been a good weekend. Interesting conversations, it's good to get things out in the open. You never know what you might uncover once you start talking.

In a few hours the week starts, time to retreat back into my shell. What a striking dichotomy my life has...

Something I realized today: I don't really feel anything but frustration and anger. I'm not ever really happy. I'm not ever really sad. It's like the breaker to the emotional section of my brain has flipped. I know there is a tremendous amount of pain, of disappointment, of joy and sorrow just tucked away somewhere inside my brain. I can sense that they are there, I just don't feel them.

I believe I've worked out all the cross-browser display issues the site has had. I've loaded it on IE 5.5 and 6.0, Netscape 6, and Mozilla 1.2 and everything seems to be in working order now. I don't have older versions of the browsers any longer, so if you're using an old browser you'll just have to download a newer version. Come on. It's free. Don't be so lazy.

And if you do decide to download a new browser, I highly recommend Mozilla. You get sidebar and tabbed-browsing functionality and better CSS support than anywhere else. You'll be glad you did.

Wanna be totally fucking creeped out? Check it out. Get a load of that goddamned logo. And I guess you've already heard about what Poindexter is planning . Homeland Security indeed.

Well, just in case you're listening, Dr. Poindexter, be sure to take note of my words: I'm no terrorist, I'm not Islamic, I don't fit a profile, but I'm no patriot either. I don't own a gun, have never been in a physical altercation with another human. I am only one man who will do everything he can over the course of his lifetime, through words and persuasion, to bring down you and all the other motherfuckers in our government who somehow believe they should be able to have coercive power over me. You make me sick.

Just to clarify, let's check the definition of egocentricity.

Defintion 1 certainly describes a large group of individuals of which I am one. However, not all hold this view. They are, unfortunately, mistaken.

Definition 2, though, is what I want to focus on. We all can agree that this is a suitable defintion, can't we? Now answer me this: Is it possible for anyone, anywhere, at any time, to NOT be egocentric?

If you think it's possible, or if you think you aren't, think again.

I would be glad to take on anyone who believes they can argue this one otherwise.

Now that you know more than you care to know, but maybe not quite enough, you'll soon get to know me even better if you continue to visit (checking the site stats, it looks like you're not even here in the first place, but if you don't mind I'm going to pretend like you are, ok?). I'm going to begin the actual blogging with the next post, in a more traditional manner. You know, with links disguised as text and other cool stuff.

I do plan to unleash it all on this page. Get some things off my chest. Rant. It'll be fun. For me at least.

Since you and I are in this for the long-term, let's me tell you who I am.

My name is Chris Lincoln, but here on the internet I go by fountainhead. And yes, it's my favorite book. I'm a 28 year old male from beautiful Southern Indiana. I'm 6'1", blue eyes, brown hair. I weigh too much, not from eating too much but from being in front of this computer every bit of spare time I have.

The joys of my life are:

1. Music - all kinds. Kind of cliched, but I do get music. I get it on all possible levels. Let's just say I'm not a casual listener.

2. Writing. An area of my life that's been missing lately, but this site will fill the gaping hole. Hopefully you'll read some of the words available outside the blog. I'd love to hear what you think. In fact, if you want to publish me, that would be even better.

3. My mind mate.

4. Cats

5. Computers in general, the web in particular. Even after all these years, you've got to say, "Wow."

6. Tobacco in all its forms.

There are some things wrong with my life. I'll list a few.

1. After graduating college in 2000, I could not find a job. Not just a good job, or a decent job...I couldn't find work at all. After three months I went to work in a convenience store. Next was a job as a customer service rep for possisbly the most idiotically (?) run company on the planet, Clarke-American Checks. I took two years of being treated like an infant and having my personal dignity decline daily, and then I walked out. I got a CIW certification hoping to break into web work. Of course, couldn't even get an interview. Worked as a temp doing data entry. Just got hired on permenantly at the company I temped for...to basically do data entry. And the sad part is, even though I'd rather blow my brains out than do this work, I'm glad to have the job.

2. Debt.

3. Debt.

4. Did I mention I can't find decent work?

That having been said, I do have an overall and undying love for myself. Yes, I'm egocentric (more on that in later posts). I have supreme confidence in myself, you might call it arrogance. But the facts are: I am far smarter than you are. I'm a better writer. I'm a better spouse. I am a better human than you are. I exist with few "contradictions", minimal cognitive dissonance. I don't believe in fairy tales.

That's a good start.

Today I realize a dream...my very own site: a place for me to publish my thoughts, my ideas, my stories.

Uncensored. Free. All me.

It's me, and nothing and no one but me. What could possibly be my target audience here? It'll be interesting to find out if anyone comes by. If you're here, reading this, I'm already amazed. And if you come back as the site progresses, I think you'll be amazed, or maybe shocked, or repulsed, or flabbergasted. Hopefully, you'll be something.

And with that, journal #1 is done.