I realize now that I use this site for therapy. I guess all diaries are therapeutic in their own way. And really, don't people that keep journals and diaries secretly want everyone to read them? They guard them with their lives, but really they want to give them to someone and say "Please, read my thoughts, take the time to get to know me, understand me, won't someone please care enough about me that they WANT to read my thoughts?" And this site is about as public as it gets. Here I am writing a journal entry every few days that anyone in the entire world can read at any time, and no one does. I really could post the most absurd or obscene or grotesque stuff here, controversy-causing stuff, and it would go completely unnoticed. Writing here is like pissing in the wind. I ask myself why I do it. The answer is: just in case. The answer is also: I really am the only one that matters.
I didn't expect this to become what it has become. I hoped to use this as a forum to discuss things that matter to me so much that they are me. Things like non-contradiction and logic and capitalism and atheism and and and passion and intensity and discipline and being guilt-free and egocentrism and how everything ties in together and how once you have the basics down you can figure anything out. Why haven't I written about those things? I don't honestly know. I know in some ways I have been very sad, but that's not an excuse. Perhaps I should just try harder.
Maybe one reason I don't is because I know no one sees this. Why go to the trouble, what's the point? But then, I've answered that already, haven't I? I do know that sometimes I've found it difficult to be completely honest here because I know people can read it, even if they aren't.
But anyway.
Did you know that I only have one major goal in my life, one dream? My dream is this: to be able to one day own a house with a large basement. And in that basement to place a drum kit and a stereo system. My dream is to be able to sit at a drum set in my basement, put AC/DC's Highway To Hell CD on, crank "Walk All Over You" and wail away on the drums. More than anything else, music.
