May 2003 Archives

What happens when you are superior to your superiors? You fuck them on your website.

In egocentricity land, I have the power. I have the power to rant about my stupid pissant little job and the idiots I work with.

Let's break this down:

1. Yes, it can happen again.

2. No, this was the first time it happened, so I couldn't possibly have told you that it wouldn't happen again.

3. REALLY?!?!?

4. Nice job of proofreading, spelling bee champ!

5. Perhaps by exceeding expectations, you mean spending half my day talking at co-workers' desks, or spending time on personal phone calls, or browsing the internet? You couldn't possibly mean doing all of my work, other people's work, asking for special projects since all the work is done, and voluntarily working overtime. That certainly would not exceed expectations.

6. Potenial? Fuck you. I was born better than you.

OK. I'm done now.

come on in to chris' funhouse

yesterday's post was the lyrics to Stinkfist - not my words - but they fit. they serve to kick off a different phase of my weblog. this would be step two.

i'm really not someone who can "let things go". i'm not one to "get over it." in fact, i refuse to get over it. i refuse to accept things and move on. i hold grudges. i rarely if ever forgive. this is the way i am, i won't change and i don't want to. i like these things about myself. yet, it causes a fair amount of personal tension and pain.

everyone lives with pain. i'm not special in this. everyone has a unique pain all their own that they must go through everyday. you do. i do.

my pain comes from disappointment. not only am i a disappointment to myself, my life is a disappointment, and others have disappointed me. i have failed to take my place among history's greatest men - this is a disappointment because i am one of history's greatest men. i have failed to show my value to those have power over my employment. i have failed to put into words the story i need to tell. nearly everyone i've ever known has betrayed me. is that a fault of mine? i don't know. i don't think so.

i hold myself up to be the ideal human being, the top of the evolutionary ladder to this point, yet i hate so many things about myself. physically, i find myself disgusting. at the same time, i want every female in the world to find me sexually irresistable.

piss. i could go on. but i'm very tired and it's time to reach my point : all this is a given. i know all of this. i think about these things all the time. i'm consumed by them - and a few other things which shall go unsaid. therefore, i do not need to continually speak of them here. and i won't anymore. at least, i'm going to try very hard not to. this will be for other things.

goodnight, anyone who's reading this.

so sleepy

So I've come to the end of my second day alone. Just slightly weird. Everything is exactly the same, only the waiting is gone. Every evening I'm always waiting for her to come home. Without that waiting, it throws a whole different spin on things. This might be okay for a few days, but it certainly would get old very quickly. The waiting is an indication that I'm looking forward to something. Without the waiting, there is nothing to look forward to. Only another day.

I haven't hired any hookers to come visit me. I haven't gone to visit any ex-girlfirends. I haven't asked any cuties from work to go out dancin'. I've got to hurry my ass up! Time's a wastin'!

My two youngest meows became parents over the weekend. Kira gave birth Saturday to two bouncing baby kitties. It's pretty amazing stuff. As big a cat lover as I am, this was the first time I've witnessed a birth or been around newborns. I have nothing but cliches to offer you: "They're so tiny!"and "How precious!".

I've become a bit disenchanted with this whole thing lately, but I'm pretty sure it's a mood. Or a phase. Not an era, though.

I was successful in earning enough dollars so that Kris can eat while she's gone. Not that she will. She'll buy clothes. Not that I'm jealous or anything. You know, 'cause I really don't need clothes at all. My four pairs of year old Dockers are plenty. And shirts - bah! I have shirts from years ago that still hold together. They might not have the brightest colors any longer, but they cover the belly. And really, for the sake of all mankind, that's the important part.

So I'll have Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday all to myself. I should've taken vacation this week so I could've completely wallowed in alone time. I have so little of it! As it is I only see her an hour or so a day, sometimes less. She'll be gone all that time but I probably won't even notice a difference. Maybe I'll hire a hooker to just come talk to me.

The Law of Identity. A=A.

Not here.

Here, A can = anything. Here, A almost never = A.

I love it!

Had a bit of an epiphany this evening.

Despite knowing three or four or five things in my life that are completely fucked, there was something missing. There had to be something that was pushing me over the edge. And then, as I heaved a mighty Glad bag into the dumpster, it came to me: I have no short-term goals (not counting paying the bills on time). Long-term goals are a-plenty. Short-term - nada. I have no release for the competitor in me. Nothing to fight for or toward. Something to think about.

it's a right nice day!

got the tunes, got the breeze, got stuff to do - nothin' could be nicer.

It ain't about that.

Crack open the id, let it all spill out into the ego, mix and merge. See me for what I am, not who I pretend to be.

I'll show you little bits, but you've got to want it, you've got to come after it. You've got to pull the belt from out of the loops, you've got to unzip it and take it out. I want you to. I want to give it all to you. I want to force you to take it, I want to make you take it and then see you when you realize you not only wanted it but needed it all along. But I won't. I'll hold back. I'll take it slowly, I'll only give you hints. And if you never want it, you'll never get it.