come on in to chris' funhouse
yesterday's post was the lyrics to Stinkfist - not my words - but they fit. they serve to kick off a different phase of my weblog. this would be step two.
i'm really not someone who can "let things go". i'm not one to "get over it." in fact, i refuse to get over it. i refuse to accept things and move on. i hold grudges. i rarely if ever forgive. this is the way i am, i won't change and i don't want to. i like these things about myself. yet, it causes a fair amount of personal tension and pain.
everyone lives with pain. i'm not special in this. everyone has a unique pain all their own that they must go through everyday. you do. i do.
my pain comes from disappointment. not only am i a disappointment to myself, my life is a disappointment, and others have disappointed me. i have failed to take my place among history's greatest men - this is a disappointment because i am one of history's greatest men. i have failed to show my value to those have power over my employment. i have failed to put into words the story i need to tell. nearly everyone i've ever known has betrayed me. is that a fault of mine? i don't know. i don't think so.
i hold myself up to be the ideal human being, the top of the evolutionary ladder to this point, yet i hate so many things about myself. physically, i find myself disgusting. at the same time, i want every female in the world to find me sexually irresistable.
piss. i could go on. but i'm very tired and it's time to reach my point : all this is a given. i know all of this. i think about these things all the time. i'm consumed by them - and a few other things which shall go unsaid. therefore, i do not need to continually speak of them here. and i won't anymore. at least, i'm going to try very hard not to. this will be for other things.
goodnight, anyone who's reading this.
