June 2003 Archives

You know this is all just a photo, a snapshot, one moment in time - you know that, right? I let my thoughts do the talking here, and I'm always on. You've had experience with certain air conditioners, the ones that work real hard to reach that temperature, but once they do they don't quit, only the fan blows. The fan keeps on blowing until it's time to work again. But it's always on. That's kind of like me and this.
At times I make decisions I know to be correct, without a doubt, correct. But I don't like the decision, I WANT to do something totally different, opposite, anything but what I've decided to do. And I'll stick with my decision come hell or high water, through my inner turmoil. But son of bitch my mood will suffer. I don't handle this well at all. I wish I could learn to do what I want to do, say what I want to say, even though I know it isn't right - and be happy. That or I wish I could learn to be happy with doing the right thing.

Cripes!

This has got to be the solution to all of the world's problems - LAUGHING!

Imagine any of the world's nasties - anyone who lives in the Middle East, management at any company in the world, priests, pastors, ministers, mass murderers, on and on, imagine them laughing and having a good time. You can't can you!

Here's my advice to everyone in the whole world - start giggling, guffawing, chortling. Do it all the time! Do it for no reason. Hell, if you start feeling it, go ahead and tickle somebody!

It's hot as a mofo. Just thought I'd point that out in case you hadn't noticed. In this wonderful, state-of-the-art apartment of mine it feels like 125 degrees. The AC spits out puffs of air through the vents that may or may not be cooler than the air already in here, and since my computer room is upstairs even that doesn't make it up here. "Shoo-wee!" I exclaim as I wipe the sweat from my temples.

I know it's cliched and everything, but when you're in the middle of something you often can't see it very well. You don't have the right perspective to understand where you are.

Several months ago, I went through the most traumatic experience a married man can go through. I never actually talked about it here, but I eluded to it. My wife had an affair. Men all over the world and since the beginning of time have had to go through this, and I salute every last one of them.

I will spare you the details, but let it be known that this completely rocked me. It was an earthquake in my brain. My head has been a mess ever since. Everything that was secure and nailed down and absolute became insecure and unattached and uncertain. I've been so busy putting things back together it made coping with anything else, daily stuff, extremely difficult. I questioned everything about a million times a day. And I didn't see it happen, but the mental image of the event has burned itself inside my skull. That, my friends, is not a pleasant thing to see. Or imagine.

But it's getting better. The fact that I can say this to you now proves that. And the fact that I can see where I've been, and understand why I've been how I've been. I'm getting better. This afternoon and evening something else happened that proves it: I felt happy. For no reason at all. I found myself smiling. And it wasn't fake.

For the next little while I'm gonna tackle a topic a day and give you my viewpoint. Of course I'll summarize when needed, but I don't think I'll need to very often. Simplicity...it remains underemployed.

Songs, just like words and thoughts and ideas, cannot be "owned". They are abstract. They do not exist in the physical realm.

CD's, on the other hand, do exist in the physical realm. I can purchase a CD, and owning the CD, I can do with it what I please. If I want to give away all the information on the CD to everyone in the world, that is my prerogative. Once again, because information is abstract, it cannot be owned.

On a similar note, I disagree with copyright. Suppose I ever finish the book I'm writing at a snail's pace, and it is published. Suppose you want to make copies of the book and give them away. Go ahead! They're just words, dude! I don't own them! It would be polite to tell people who wrote those particular words in this particular order, but only polite. Not mandatory.

Intellectual Property. Pardon? You've got to be one deluded motherfucker to buy into that shit.

when do people find time to live their lives the way they do?

as any of you who've been here before know, i lead a stripped-down life. i work eight hours a day, five days a week. my wife is the only person i ever really see, and i really don't see her that often. one or two weekends a month i see my parents for five or six hours. all the rest of the time is mine, all mine, to spend any way i want to.

and believe it or not, i stay busy. there is always work to be done here at home and no matter how much you do it there is always more. i spend a good deal of time online, keeping up on the things i want to keep up with. i think alot, but not nearly as much as i'd like. i don't have the time!

how do people actually DO things outside of the house, have "friends", etc. and still maintain themselves? maybe i just need an inordinate amount of maintenance, or maybe i just am one of the few who allows himself the opportunity.

anyway, i have a whole - thing - about friends that i should probably go into sometime. others in general, really. that would be interesting for you!

it's been a strange week in a rather strange time in my life. so i guess you could say it's been stranger than strange. i feel like i've been floating through time again, like a balloon being bapped around my children. i still get where i'm going, it just takes me awhile, and i make several detours along the way. slow motion, like molasses, but very light and airy, clear-headed.

i'll write some more tonight, er, in the morning i guess. sometime after midnight. i'm gonna go get some sleep.

we'z funky fresh dressed and ready to party and we gonna bring it like dis:

opinions don't exist, a statement either describes reality or it doesn't .

yes they do - they be what i believe .

that's what you think !

you see, i told you they exist .

no you didn't .

yes i did .

no you didn't .

okay, but you just contradicted yourself .

contradictions can't exist, no such thing .

then how did you just do it ?

i didn't .

you just said two opposing things and held them both out to be true .

they weren't opposing .

yes they were .

they were complimentary .

you mean together they made a right angle ?

exactly, and if I do it again on the other side i'll have a square .

or a box .

right .

yes .

the box of truth. i can live inside all by myself .

you'll have to 'cause no one else understands .

i know .

you do ?

yes . but it is okay, i would prefer it that way .

you are strange .

no, you are .

i am .

actually, no . you are not strange .

i am not ?

no .

what am i ?

perfectly normal .

good . i want to be normal .

congratulations !

Ya know ya make it so good.
the passing time is only highlighted by your appearance, the image of your body burns itself into my eyes so i can see you even when they're closed
the image of your body
i cannot escape, why would i want to, i want to immerse myself in you, i want to swim in your clothes, i want to feed on you, i want to eat you and drink you die trying to satisfy this hunger, this desire
every way you turn, each place i look brings new delights, new joys and wonders of form
i want to touch you
i want to touch you in places and in ways you've not been touched before, i want to surprise you with the things you will feel, i want to make you giggle and gurgle and moan and cry out and i don't want you to make a sound, i want to hear it as we come together as we come together

Well, where were we? It's been a few days since we last talked.

I have no recollection of what happened Friday. That's weird. I was going to tell you all about my weekend, but it seems the first day has fallen away...oh well.

Saturday I got up and - surprise! - did some housework. Kris came home early from work, around noon, and we goofed around the house for awhile. Headed out to the store to pick up some vittles and some paintballs for dad. Also rented "The Four Feathers" and "A Guy Thing". Came home, had dinner, and popped in the movies. About halfway through the Feathers movie my head began to really hurt and I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up at 2:30 am , Kris was asleep on the couch, too. I got up and went upstairs to bed, leaving her sleepy booty downstairs.

We got up at 7:30 on Sunday so we could get out on the river early. Got to dad's at a little after nine, drove down to Milltown and left my truck there, hopped in the back of dad's truck and he took us down to Daugherty's Landing to put in, and then he skeedaddled off to church to get his flower or whatever they do on Father's Day there. Kris and I headed down river. It was an awesome day for it. Not hot, not cold, just right. The river was perfect, we didn't have to get out of the canoe once! We spent alot of the time just floating and listening and watching turtles. I caught sight of the world's biggest spider walking on water and decided to start paddling. Kris lazed around and I paddled us on down to Milltown where we packed up and headed back to dad's.

Once we got there dad grilled out and mom cooked, I took a shower, and Kris took a nap. Ate dinner. Watched "Maid in Manhattan" (not my idea) and "The Ring". Then we all sat out on the front porch and talked the rest of the evening away. It was nice. Very nice.

I haven't had an original thought in days. I'm like Luther Vandross over here.

The most creative I've been is when I decided to put some cheese in my ramen noodles.

I let a full trash bag sit by the door for two days without taking it to the dumpster. Gross!

I'm pretty pathetic right now.

What the fuck was that?
I'll tell you what the fuck that was - that was the most inane piece of shit post ever placed on a blog at any time in the history of the world.

I apologize to anyone who actually read it.

The post that formerly occupied this space was a waste of space. I have removed it to save you the trouble and myself the embarrassment.

so, i've been accused of slacking on my blog!

BAH!

I'd like to think it's quality over quantity. But obviously that's not true!

I've actually been busy the last little bit, and since some people were out of town I didn't think it mattered too much! Tomorrow I'm free, though, and I should have time to write something.

So tomorrow it is, okay? I promise.

I used to be such an avid reader...where did that person go?

Perhaps he's coming back home.

I'm re-reading We The Living.
As much as I drank in those words so many years ago and made them a part of my core, through time they have faded. It's amazing the impact they have on me, fresh again. How could I let it go this long?

This is why I've named my kitten Andrei - he will help me remember.

What with the AWK video and the Ayn Rand Flash and the pictures I've posted recently, you'd think I'd been avoiding writing!

I have!

Ok, so not really avoiding it...just putting it off. I'z ready now. Just had to transition myself and the site for a bit. I meant what I said back on May 22. Anybody remember what it was? You can always check the archives.

It's all steady as she goes, but I'm making the effort, ya know? Make the little changes when you can. Make a point of logging one bit of progress made and applaud yourself for it. Jesus, if you can make it through the day you need to be congratulated - given a cake and a party. I understand that.

I've found myself browsing for jobs again recently. Things have been on the decline for months now (for me at least), but I just can't shake the little incident. I've been down this road before, my friend, and there's never a happy ending. When you lose all respect for the person who controls your destiny what do you expect to happen? I won't fake it like I've done in the past. Fuck that. But there are options within the company, and friends I've made who can possibly help me out. I won't count on it, of course, but I will give it a shot very soon. Do some exploring.

Had a neat night last week I didn't tell you about. It was about midnight and Kris asked if I wanted to go for a drive. I didn't. I really just wanted to go to bed. But I went. And I'm so glad I did! We ended up taking a walk in the new riverfront park and then along Main Street and back. It was a cool night and there was a little breeze. And we got to talk. We needed that.

Our newest kitten, Andrei, is doing great. He's starting to become a regular little meow. Tonight he "puffed" for the first time while play fighting with me. Awesome.

Ah, well. Enough for tonight.

Look who it is!