October 2003 Archives

...that's what you call an annoying egg.

And that's what you get from me at a quarter til four in la morning.

Listen - just now i came upstairs and walked into the bedroom to get some smokes off the headboard. as i sat down on the bed to light up, little ragnar strolled into the room, stretched, looked up at me and meowed this question: dad?

I looked down at him and said "Hi Ragnar!" in a very soft, sweet voice. He jumped onto the bed, walked to me, and plopped down right next to me. He wanted some loves. So I gave him some. I rubbed his ears and neck and belly just like he likes it. What do you suppose happened next? Correct. He began to purr. He purred loudly! He was very happy.

And it occurred to me how nice it would be if people purred. Can you imagine it? If anytime I was calm, content, and around someone I completely trusted I had an involuntary purr response!! How great would that be?! It certainly would take the guesswork out of relationships, now wouldn't it?

But in another way, it might be kinda sad. I don't think I'd be purring very often. I don't think I ever feel so stable in any of my relationships - what relationships I got!

Do you think you could make me purr?
Would you?
Or would you swat my nose with a newspaper or spray me with water and say "Scat!".

I wonder...

It's a good thing I don't carry any of these with me or there would be lots of dead motherfuckers today.

I'm a type A personality in type B clothing.

I get your subtle meaning, BTW, so fuck that. I don't want any part of it. I wouldn't touch it wif a ten foot po ---- that's too bad.

Keep searching for meaning. Let me know if ya find it, ok?

Eat yer cookie, shit for brains.

i smile often. people at work often ask me why. i tell them it's because i'm happy. that's partially true.

the other part of my smile comes from being around people. seeing the way those people act, how they do things. listening to them.
it's when i'm around other people that i realize how far ahead of the curve i really am. it makes me gleeful to see how truly fucking stupid people are.

i don't think time can be wasted. although the popularity of the expression cannot be denied, neither can it's incorrectness or impossibility.

also,
something that completely angers me is the use of the terms "gifted" or "a gift".
If someone has a great ability, they have not received a gift. To say that they have only acts to diminish the greatness of that person. That person has that ability because he has worked to develop it.

I think I'll write about my ability to see beauty tomorrow.

i feel so strange tonight.

it's post headache - again. my brain feels like it's spinning slowly on a thin layer of liquid.

my view of the world around me seems to be a couple of degrees off, everything is shifted just a tad to the side, even me.

i notice a feeling inside my stomach that tells me I should be scared or worried about something, but I'm not really. Just curious.

actually, it feels like I'm dreaming. exactly like i'm dreaming.

but i'm not. and i just got the chills. something is definitely wrong here.

How's that for a hyphenated title from hell? Pretty good, huh?

I buzzed for hours today on generic tylenol pills, a very unpleasant buzz it was. But I fought the good fight, got a jack-ass in hot hot heat over some lies he told, proved again that with zero effort I'm still the greatest motherfucker of all time, and if that wasn't enough for one day I found time to do laundry, dishes, and mop the goddamn floor! Whew! And it's still early yet...

if you could crack open my body and look inside, all you would see is a super-huge, glowing smile...

!!!!!!!!

not such a great week. i've felt like ass the last three days. sleepy. headachy. not sharp in the brain functions. i need a vacation! i need a week off...

So you face yesterday
Thinking on the days of old
And the price that we paid
For a love we couldn't hold

I let you slip away
There was nothing I could do
That was so long ago
Still I often think of you

I fall down
I get up
And I've always had to fight
Everything that was wrong
For the things that were right

Now I finally found my way
Now I know just what to do
Once you said goodbye to me, yeah
Now I say goodbye to you

It's so hard to find your way
When the lies come around
Still it happens everyday
So don't let it get you down

Just a time within a time
Just a scheme within a scheme
A little world within a world
Yes a dream,just a dream

Now I finally found my way
Now I know just what to do
Once you said goodbye to me,yeah
Now I say goodbye to you

Now I best be on my way
Before the night turns blue
Once you said goodbye to me,yeah
And now I say goodbye to you
Once I said goodbye to me, yeah
Now I say goodbye to you

some people have far too much spare time and spend that spare time endlessly reading other people's words and thoughts looking for... what? thoughts similar to their own? thoughts dissimilar from their own? who knows! though i have copious amounts of spare time compared to some other people, i do not choose to spend it this way. i limit my reading and looking and searching to a few websites, books, mags, and people that i can count on to always bring a smile to my face or to make me think a bit about things like i had not thought of them before. i've known for many years now that i've already anwered the big questions and those answers have stood the test of time and numerous mental challenges i've provided them. but i digress.

my point is here: please read this post from one blog i read nearly everyday. super smart. in a really big kinda way. i disagree with her on almost everything, yet knowing intelligence like that still exists in the world makes me feel good and brings a smile to my face. and it also makes me wonder this: why are 99% of the intelligent people i have ever known females?

after all, maybe my point is actually here: find something you like, you really like, and stick by it. when you find it, you really don't have to keep looking any more. the point isn't to test out every possible combination and permutation. what, you ask, if you don't ever find something you like? you've always got yourself...

it's not as if i'm not paying attention. i am. i'm paying hyper-attention. i've said it before but i certainly wasn't the first - I'm roller skating through the Louvre.

i understand. i see it. got it, got it, got it.

it's just, and you must take note of this, it's just that i've got a life to live over here. and as long as these things stay the requisite distance from me, who cares about them?

say man, you got a light?
Thanks.

The photoblog is now up and running. Currently with 90 pics for your viewing pleasure, it contains the people and cats that I love.

nearly six hours later, I've almost completed my new photo section. I think you're gonna like it.

check out the link for "photoblog" on the left. Some sections are completely finished while others only have one pic in them. I promise to wrap this up in the next day or two.

let me know what you think!

In preparation for the picture gallery make-over, I scanned 57 pics tonight. Over the next week or so I'll be taking some pages offline for the rebuild, so bear with me as I tweak away...

and finally the autumn came.

here in this hilly and woodsy land in which i live the air has cooled and crisped and people have rooted in their closets to drag out jackets.

yes, this is my time of year, the time i feel most comfortable, the time i love to be outside and smell the breeze and feel the chill. and it is one of my strongest muses. what does the future hold Gandy, what adventures will he face? i know a few, but i'm eager to find out some of them myself! it's very important, very very important that i go on my own journey to discover things about him and tell the whole world. he is mine and i owe it to him not to let him die, not to let that part of me that is him die.

ever have a desire to leave your entire life behind and move on to something, anything else?

yeah. me too.