December 2003 Archives

Another year older and deeper in debt...

But that's alright. That's alright, that's alright, that's allllllllright!

'Cause you know why?

'Cause I got you, babe!

Recharger!

i've always found myself most alive in the center of night. as a child i would sneak out of bed to watch late night television. as a teenager i would click the light on and write. when i learned to drive i would explore. in my young adulthood i would find places to go, whether it was friend's houses, girl's houses, parties, or clubs. these days, i find myself writing again.

just know this: while others sleep, i live.

i've read some scary stuff recently. one article talked about how within the next five years governments would have the internet locked up tight, no anonymity, all password-protected. the other article was about chips implanted underneath or skin that would contain our bank account info, so that at the check-out line we wouldn't swipe a debit card, we'd scan ourselves.

i hope you know the day that govenments take control of the internet is the day I go offline for good. i hope you know that about me. you DO know that about me, right?

as for the other story, I'm still trying to figure out why that scares me. I'm not sure if it should or not. I'm pretty sure it should, just need to reason it out with myself.

here's what I forgot yesterday night: a couple of passages from the book I'm re-reading. The book is Bluebeard by Mr. Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

1.) The widow Berman agrees that Marilee was using me, but not in the way my father thought. "You were her audience," she said. "Writers will kill for an audience."
"An audience of one?" I said.
"That's all she needed," she said. "That's all anybody needs."

2.) "That's the secret of how to enjoy writing and make yourself meet high standards," said Mrs. Berman. "You don't write for the whole world, and you don't write for ten people, or two. You write for just one person."

And another, on a different topic now:

"Let me put it yet another way: life, by definition, is never still. Where is it going? From birth to death, with no stops on the way. Even a picture of a bowl of pears on a checkered tablecloth is liquid, if laid on canvas by the brush of a master."

I forgot something I need, I'll get back to you...

The catch phrase for those selling real estate, as I've heard it, is:

Location, location, location.

If there were such a catch phrase for language and word usage, it would be:

Context, context, context.

Some people don't seem to understand this very well. Ask them about it and they may even brag! They may say something like: "Listen, I am who I am. I'm the same in every situation."

And I might reply to them this way: "Keep trying. In a few more generations your bloodline might evolve into human beings."

no one that reads this on a regular basis will be reading this for awhile, except for - perhaps - me. So I guess I can say whatever the fffffffffffffffffffuck i want to say.

and yet i won't say anything.

self-censorship! Hooray!

I wonder, can anyone guess what I was just thinking of writing about but decided against at the last second?

You don't have to be specific - if you can guess the general nature of the thoughts I'll give you the point! Come on! Any takers?

Here's something you don't care to know: I've hurt myself lifting weights. My right arm hurts like a motherfucker. And I can only bend it half-way!
Another Hooray!

And for you very observant folks out there, yes I did upgrade the blog tonight to MT 2.65. And thanks for noticing.

you twist yourself into knots to avoid the truth, you live in cognitive dissonance hell!

you say "the truth hurts". it can, oh yes! but hiding from the truth always hurts twice as much: pain from the truth and pain from avoiding it. and while hiding it hurts indefinitely, getting the truth out there only hurts once - and then you can move along with your life.

once the truth has come out, everything gets better!

what gives moods the right?
just some stupid chemical release, just some stupid hormone.

but i have the strangest sense of calm right now.

and even if it isn't real, i'm going to wallow in it for a little while longer.

Do you know what the hell you're saying?

>>yes of course

Have you given this any thought?

>>I've thought about everything

So, you're completely prepared for what's to come?

>>Let me say this: You would be hard-pressed to catch me by surprise.

Sometimes you seem a bit "over-the-top".

>>What?

Rephrase - do expect people to take you seriously? I mean, are you for real?

>>Adaptation. Ever heard of it? There are certain situations, certain places in which there aren't any illusions, no games are played. When you're there, you're home. You're safe. You trust. Doesn't everyone just want to go home? Doesn't everyone just want to find their home? Not to stay there, but to be able to go there whenever they need to.

You didn't answer my question. Are you avoiding it?

>>No. The answers are as follows: take me or leave me. If you take me, take me however you like. And am I for real? Hell's bells! Some things you've got to answer for yourself!

i wanted it for so long, and when i actually got it was even better than i hoped it would be.

i hope it never ends.

i missed you so much!

*sigh*

so time has escaped me once again. it's late, it's early...all that counts is the number of hours til it's time to start all over again.

sometimes i feel so bored and caged in i could spontaneously combust or burst into a million pieces. but i never do. just when i'm about to lose it, something always saves me. or someone does.

something about me: when i'm crazy about something, i'm really crazy about it. when i find things that are beautiful, i surround myself with them. when i find sounds that lift me, i never stop listening. when i find someone i like, i want to tell them constantly how wonderful they are, how special and rare it is to find someone worth liking.

very rare, indeed.

I've been busy, dude. Catch ya tomorrow.

Just look at her !!

I could just stare at her all day !!

And if you think she looks good, you should hear her sing !!

Here is her website. Go - listen - look.

Experience nirvana...

I thought about it and came to the conclusion that it's just plain stupid.
I won't do anything, after all.

Why should I enjoy myself?
Better yet, I wouldn't know what to do if I tried.
Not like I have any spare dollars.
Or friends.
Or places to go.
Not good-looking. Got a severe case of tennis ball head right now.
And - at the end of the night - I wouldn't have had any fun anyway.

So here I am!
At home!
All night!
Alone!
Broke!
Nothing to do!
Nothing to look forward to!

Perhaps I'll take a long, hot bath!
Perhaps I'll study the texture on the ceiling to find patterns or faces!
Perhaps I'll..
GO OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

*sigh*

Skipping and laughing while while logic fades further from view.

my name would be Oog Li

What is the answer to every question ever asked?

That depends.

a cock is a terrible thing to taste, er...waste.

You got something to say you better jump in my face
Aim
Got something to hide you're scared as shit and should die
Aim
Aim
Reload
Aim
Reload

Aim
Reload
Aim
Reload

You say it's time to collect I'll kick your ass and eject
Aim
Aim
Reload
Aim
Aim
Time to settle the score, throw your ass through the door
Aim
Aim
Aim
Reload
Aim
Reload

Aim
You wanna lie like a dog you're gonna wake up with fleas
Aim
Inside a world full of shit you're still an asshole to me
Aim
Aim
Aim
Reload
Aim
Reload
Aim
Aim
Aim
Reload
Aim
Reload
Aim

Took a few days off there. A little sab-bat-tickle, if you will.

What happened while I was gone?

- Webmink let us know about the "Project Looking Glass". It's a 3-D Java Desktop. Wow.

- The New Republic let's us know that Bush might not be fiscally conservative

- I've run across the greatest website of all time.

Other than that, been pretty quiet. Workin' workin' workin'. Blah Blah Blah.

That's right, I almost missed the bus!

But I didn't miss it. I'm on it right now!

I hope sarahphotogirl doesn't get too pissed that I'm using one of her excellent photos, but I have sent her an email...and besides, so few people take a look at my site that it probably won't matter anyway. This is The Darkness, easily the best band I've heard this year. Is Justin the incarnation of Bon Scott? I think it may be so.

This is a situation for which I am responsible wholly. This is not contentment. This is not happiness. I am glad I am alive, alive to experience all that I do. Yet, from the vast buffet of experiences, I seem to stuck eating only the dinner rolls. Yes, they are good. Yes, I do like them, hot and toasty and slightly buttered. But what about the cottage cheese over there? What about the green beans? The Roast Beef! I've paid the money, let me at the smorgasbord! Why isn't this line moving any faster?