February 2004 Archives

Spent a large block of time yesterday updating the picture galleries at my Destroyers fan page. If you'd like to, you visit the galleries . I wish I would have added pics as I got them instead of waiting a year to add them! Son of a... that was a major chore.

I was about to post on this latest of evils last night, but coudn't quite come up with the way to make my point in a snappy manner. Thanks to M. Simon, a poster at Hit and Run, I can just use his words --

"The number one thing politicians need to do to protect jobs is to prevent outsourcing. To make this happen what we need is action from the United Nations. They must pass a resolution preventing countries from buying goods and services from outside their borders. Every one in the world deserves to have their jobs protected. Especially people in poor countries. This will put an end to unfair competition from India whose cheap labor is costing Americans service jobs. From China whose cheap labor is costing Americans manufacturing jobs. From Saudi Arabia whose cheap oil has destroyed the American oil industry. From Germany whose auto companies now own the Chrysler Corporation. And from America whose cheap software has ruined the software industries of nearly every other country on earth.

Think of how galling it must be for the poor of other countries to find out that rich Americans are stealing their jobs.

Outsourcing hurts every one. It is a world wide problem. The world needs to take action. Now."

--
(c) M. Simon - All rights reserved.
M. Simon is an industrial controls engineer for Space-Time Productions and a Free Market Green. Permission granted for one time use in a single periodical. Concurrent publication on the periodical's www site is also granted.

having a place to express myself in this way necessarily causes me to constantly evaluate my life. i can detect tiny changes, slight shifts in the direction things are heading. i believe this is a good thing, yet it is a bit disconcerting. even so, i can prepare myself for changes that haven't occurred yet - i know, or i sense that they are coming. do these prophecies self-fulfill? perhaps they do, some of them. but what really is happening is this: I'm guiding myself toward the things I need to be guided toward; I'm making the changes that need to be made. Do you understand?

At this point, I do sense that some things are over. Or they might as well be. They will be soon enough. As David Lynch said tonight - "This is how it wanted to be." It's better to know this on the front end and not fight it, rather than be on the backend lamenting the how's and why's of things.

But even as some things fade away, new things come to take their place. New people. New goals. The excitement of starting again new, learning from your past, making the news things even better than the old things.

Something else I'd like to say tonight, ok?
As my internet was down, I wrote a letter last night. Yes, an actual hand-written letter on notebook paper. And yes, today I bought a stamp and sent it to an actual person. But the thing is this: in part of the letter I kind of introduced myself, in a way. Even though the person kind of knows me a little, I needed to go into a little more detail as to some personal stuff. So I was sitting there with pen in hand, just like the very old days, staring at the page. Thinking about the words I should say, how I should express myself to this person, I realized something.

It shouldn't be great news to me, but it may be the first time I've actually thought this thing about myself.

I either have something extra that others don't, or I'm missing something that others have, and this thing somehow prevents me from relating to people in any kind of meaningful way. People generally do not like me. And even the people that like me don't like me very much, or there's something about me that makes them uneasy. Most of the time this is "more than okay" with me. But there are times when I come across a person I am completely amazed by, and I would love to know them, love to spend time with them. But it never works. They never seem to like me nearly as much as I like them. And, honestly, this causes me pain. Honestly, it makes me like them less. If they can't see me for what I am and embrace it, embrace me...embrace what could be between us, then I have been mistaken. They aren't all that I thought they were.

But that doesn't happen often. Luckily, most people are obviously unworthy.

Still, it would be interesting to be able to know what it is about me. Or about them. That causes this.

wow.

Have you met Joss Stone?

i had a dream last night that I was having trouble falling asleep. when i finally did, i had a bad dream that startled me awake. and then i couldn't fall back asleep 'cause i was so freaked out. so i decided to get up and get a drink.

except that i was, ya know, still asleep.

but i woke up this morning on the couch!

truth be told, i'm not a romantic. flowers, candy, notes - the whole wooing thing - ummm, no. and although i'm a foreplay All-Star, well, i'd really rather just skip it. don't worry, ladies, you'll get off. i promise.

can't we just shake through all the goo-goo fluff and get to the point?

Which is my point with this post. I'd like to request that everyone just get to the point. Ditch the formalities. Nix the beating around the bush. And, stop the worrying and nervousness.

If you want to ask me something, ask me.
If you want to tell me something, tell me.
If you want to touch me, touch me.
If you want me to go the hell away, kick me in the ass.

What do ya say? Deal?

hey Hey HEY! Alka Nanda - where are you?

Have you checked your email this last month?

Well, do it, silly!

well, here it is, five minutes later.

my eyelids are propped open with toothpicks as my body screams - '"For the Love of God, lay back down and sleep some more!!"

It's a miracle! I am finally sleepy!

100% pure schmuck.

i don't know.
it's early again, and i can't sleep. heavy thoughts.
you know that line from the No Doubt song - "I ask myself, how much do you commit yourself?". that's kinda what i've been asking myself lately.
if we could talk, i don't think i'd want to talk about what's on my mind. i'd only want to hear you talk.
but since we can't, i'm left to sit here in this dark room and clickety-clack on this keyboard, hopefully typing myself to sleep.
i wish i could turn my brain off. it's always spinning, spinning, whirring. as much as i don't want to be bothered by your brush off, i am. i expected it, but i had my fingers crossed. i know, you explained it to me, a little. and i know you wouldn't even call it a brush off, but i would. but it's okay. we've still got this, huh?
i'm not getting sleepy. this sucks. betcha i'll be plenty sleepy in the mornin'.
it should be easier than this. a lot of things should be easier than they are.
i'm gonna shut my trap for the night so i can continue to wallow in this brooding, sulky mood alone.

I can't even count the number of ways things are going perfectly. Too many!

Since I seem to be on a roll, let me push my luck. Shall you allow it?
My life would be even better than perfect if:

1. ...I got a letter from Gwen! Stop being lazy and write me already!
2. ...I didn't get a headache for the next month.
3. ...The Price Is Right called and told me I won "A NEW CAR!"

5. ...I had a secret admirer named Naomi Watts that left love notes on my car

OK. So I'm not so clever today. BACK UP OFF ME!
I'm floating on clouds of strawberry cool whip tonight, what do you want from me?

I've been out of commission since directly after my last post, sometime around 1:00am Monday. I still feel like complete ass. But I kinda get the shakes if I don't post a message here within a certain amount of time.

I capped off an extraordinary weekend by spending about six hours re-working the photos section of the site. Yes, I did finally add some pics. In fact, I added about fifteen new ones.

I must say, it's perfect. I am bloated with admiration of myself at this moment.

Hellfire, what a night!

If you didn't catch it the first time around, now might be a good time to read my post on Bodeco from last month. Ya know, just to get ya into the groove.

I'd had plans for a couple of weeks to spend Valentine's night with Waterproof Blonde at the BlackHeart Ball. More recently, I'd even gotten the OK from the band to document the occasion in pics. So during the afternoon I was nailing things down about the time, etc. I'd run across some conflicting info, so better to be safe than bored...

As it happens, whilst doing some research, I happened on a page of Louisville club listings. And what should I see? Bodeco was playing at Uncle Pleasant's. Holy Shit!! It took about, oh, .125 seconds to completely change all my plans.

You can take a gander at some shots from the show here. Bad Ass.

I told Mr. Feather that he could never quit...I hope he listens.

Lucky for you, there are certain aspects of my life - though few in number - that are patently off-limits here in my public journal. Perhaps you, gentle reader, can deduce what those are?

So, having barred a subject that I could possibly talk about on this Valentine's Eve, I give you another!

One of my dearest friends, who happens to be a daily reader of this site, has heeded the call of love.

If you knew her, you'd understand how surprising this is! She is one those ultra-beautiful girls that seems quite untouchable, and psychologically I'd say she is untouchable. She's a bit of an Ice Queen. She is notorious for putting up defensive barriers so thick nothing can break through, and she does not like to admit that she may be close to someone, that she may actually need someone.

So on this day I am quite happy that someone has finally broken through.

The two of them have known each other for many, many years. They've gone through all kinds of shit together, despite being separated by a thousand miles. The two of them made a pact long ago that if neither of them were married by a certain age, then they would marry each other. And it has come to pass!

And they are actually gonna do it!

I think it will be interesting to see what she acts like when she is in love...

boy oh boy do people like to talk. it seems as if they feel they should.

endlessly. about whatever. just because.

I wish they could do it out of earshot.

It seems as if the party is on again this weekend. Two weekends in a row? Yes.
So I'll tell ya now that it's happening...this was one of my NY resolutions. And isn't the first one I've marked off the list. Yay me!

Also, if you haven't checked out notproud.com, go there. It's addictive. It's set up so you can confess things anonymously. Personally, I spend all my time browsing the "lust" section. Here's an example:

...and to prove it, here are some new pics for ya!

My Computer Guard


my baby...


Kira, the poser

Whatsit?

Still a little globbed up over yesterday's dream. I keep replaying it in my head. But I've got to tell ya - that's not a bad thing. It's like a mini traveling orgasm in my mind...anyone have a tissue?

Makes me wonder if sex with this person would be that good in real life. Not that I'm gonna find out in this lifetime, but honestly, if I could have sex with her now there's nothing she could do but disappoint!

In other news, I'm not in bed yet.

It's electric!!

Plugged in, the vibe is on, powered-up and stronger than ever. It's feels so damn good!

Don't just stand there! It's on! Dance! Move your feet, ladies and gentlemen! "Let's become one with the beat!"

It's life! Don't you feel it? Do it!! Do it, do it! Feel it, know it, understand it, the energy, the pulse, the rhythm...

You! Me! Him! Her! Ain't nothin' wrong with that --
We're so lucky to have houses for our brains that look so damn good, eyes and smiles that shine, i could look at that ass all day long...

if you ain't into it, move out the way.

this was one completely strange day. i did not like it at all. i've been weirded out since the moment i woke up and doubt it will get better til i'm once again asleep.

i was up pretty late last night, later than usual. went downstairs around 5 am to get a drink and have a smoke. turned on the tv and sat on the couch. i fell asleep there. kris woke me up at 8:30 kissing me goodbye on her way out the door to work. so i sat up, had another smoke, and went upstairs.

sat down here in my dirty old chair and checked my email, took pics of andrei and kira with my new phone and emailed them to myself. then i deleted them. opened up my trusty, sleep-inducing Free Cell card game. I played about five or six games, thinking the entire time of taxes and property and eminent domain. I kid you not. But the game worked. I got sleepy enough to go to bed.

it was a strange sleep. on and off, very restless. odd dreams. lately i've been having dreams of a kind i'm not used to at all. i've been having sex dreams, and believe me when i tell you, not ever in my life have i had dreams like these. very weird. but this morning, i was dreaming that i was laying in bed. not my bed, but a huge, fluffy, round bed. i wasn't alone. there were girls asleep in the same bed, maybe ten of them. each sleeping alone, with a cover all to themselves. i looked around me, didn't know how i'd gotten there or where i was. i didn't know who all those girls were. but i was so sleepy, i just layed my head down and decided i'd figure it out later. i closed my eyes.

as soon i closed my eyes, the door opened. i looked up and another girl came in the room. i knew her, but couldn't figure out why she would be there. she walked straight over and crawled up onto the bed, under the my cover, and then up on top of me. i asked her what was going on, where are we? she said "shhhhh...this won't take long" she sat up and pushed the covers off of us, and took me into her hands for a few, only a few moments. she moved forward and kissed me, very lightly, on the lips. and then she slid down, slid all...the...way...down sooo slowly. the pleasure was the most intense thing i have ever felt, asleep or not! it was incredible...i thought my entire body was going to explode, it was ... wow. and she kept on, she kept on and on...until it was finished...

and then i woke up.

Allison, by the way, has the sexiest teeth I've ever seen. And, she doesn't hate me - I think she may be a keeper...

So I've rejoined the wireless world.

How exciting!

I've even ditched my land line in favor of the mobile.

That's commitment!

Got an awesome phone and great service provider.

I couldn't be happier!

Now I send and receive text messages, I can take and send photos on the fly.

Hell Yes!

didn't mean to freak ya out -
I had to make an edit on this post by request.

After I made the edit, I didn't really like it anymore.

So I took it away.

Perhaps the mood will strike again in a month or two.

from tonight:

"Can't you be human for once in your life?"

"Do you always have to have a purpose? Do you always have to be so damn serious? Can't you ever do things without reason, just like everybody else? You're so serious, so old. Everything's important with you, everything's great, significant in some way, every minute, even when you keep still. Can't you ever be comfortable - and unimportant?"

"When I'm with you, it's always like a choice. Between you - and the rest of the world. I don't want that kind of a choice. I don't want to be an outsider. I want to belong. There's so much in the world that's simple and pleasant. It's not all fighting and renunciation. It is - with you."

"Come celebrate Waterproof Blonde's 1st Birthday and Valentine's Day all in one Kick-Ass night for all of us that are single at the Black Heart Ball!...AND it's BLACK BEDROOM ATTIRE night as well! Better be in the mood to flirty tonight ... it might get a little interesting!" -- from the WpB website.

Have I ever mentioned the perks of being the only sober guy in the room?

"better left unsaid"

those words got me to thinking tonight.

I can imagine situations in which things might be better left unsaid. But those situations always involve artificial relationships. For example, at work. You may not want to say "Boss, you're the biggest assclown I've ever seen."

But within relationships that are true, that are freely-chosen and wholly desired, in what way could it be better not to say whatever is on your mind?

Shouldn't a pair of friends be able to tell each other things like:
- what were you thinking?
- you just acted retarded
- please leave me alone for awhile
- that shade of blue isn't flattering, or even
- i love you

Shouldn't lovers be able to say to each other:
- you look awful in those pants
- i don't like it when you...
- i am completely crazy about you
- that girl/boy is totally hot!
- your friends are manipulative little sluts/cocksuckers, or even
- I hate you right now

Yes, I know. Who am I to speak with wisdom about relationships? Aren't I the one with no friends?

Ya got me. Maybe it's because it's difficult to find someone else who thinks like I do. I think if I'm someone's friend or lover I owe them the truth, and they owe me the truth. About everything! The truth can always be dealt with, but hiding the truth or lying, well, that just doesn't do anyone any good.

Besides, hiding things makes me feel bad, it makes me feel icky. Being able to say whatever pops into my head - that's freedom, that's trust, and that's safety. When you have freedom, and trust, and safety you've got a relationship worthy of fighting for.

Also, I know sometimes the truth can hurt. It can be disruptive. It can cause fights even. Sometimes, it can radically change lives. But the pain or the disruption or the fight - they are all real, not fake. And ultimately, those things only make life better.

I want a friend of mine to be able to look me in the eyes and say "You loser! What have you done with your life? You've wasted so much! And besides that, you've got a fat ass and pointy chin and crazy nose and a bit of a lazy eye. And did I ever tell you that you come across as an arrogant fuck half the time, and I never liked your writing! You suck!" I want them to feel free to tell me "Sometimes, I wonder what I like about you! Sometimes I wish you'd just go away and leave me alone!" I can take it! I can handle the truth! What I can't handle is someone NOT telling me the truth. What I cannot handle are secrets!!

When you tell me things are better left unsaid, I want to know this: in what possible way? Just freakin' tell me already!

Trust me on this one. I know of what I speak.

Howdy! Due to more work-related idiocy, I am able to write here on both Saturdays and Sundays now. Not that I will, but I might. See? I'm writing here now aren't I?

Today's topic of discussion: trust.

Scenario: You meet someone. You like them. At least, you think you might. For awhile, you try to be around them, learn more about them...test the waters, yes? As it turns out, you DO like them. A lot, for whatever reason. They are hot, or funny, or interesting, or they think like you do. But you really like them. And it seems like they like you.

After more time passes, you continue the liking. In fact, you like them more the more you know. But, blast, perhaps they do not like you as much as you like them. Or perhaps they do. Is there a way to find out what a person really thinks? You ask: is anything wrong? They answer: Of course not, silly, I've just been busy... a.) folding my clothes b.) spending my time with other people who are more fun than you are c.) learning to fold origami gazelles d.) fucking this really hot person, or e.) making you wonder what I really think. Nothing is wrong! Let's get together very soon!

So you make plans to get together. And that person breaks the plans or never calls. That seems to be no big deal them. It IS a big deal to you. Or worse, you do get together, things are great and wonderful. But after that, the cycle repeats.

Do you trust them that nothing is wrong? Do you assume the friendship means far more to you than to them? Do you mark them off and move along?

Question: why can't people be honest with emotions? What's the big fuck? Holding back, hiding, playing with people - that's pussy shit. The real strength comes from always facing the truth and from always delivering the truth.

My thoughts:

if the person is hot enough, or if the person might reasonably fuck you with a little more work you will continue to put up with their shit.

if you are not physically attracted to the person, no matter what gender they are, you will not continue to put up with their shit.

Any thoughts?