having a place to express myself in this way necessarily causes me to constantly evaluate my life. i can detect tiny changes, slight shifts in the direction things are heading. i believe this is a good thing, yet it is a bit disconcerting. even so, i can prepare myself for changes that haven't occurred yet - i know, or i sense that they are coming. do these prophecies self-fulfill? perhaps they do, some of them. but what really is happening is this: I'm guiding myself toward the things I need to be guided toward; I'm making the changes that need to be made. Do you understand?
At this point, I do sense that some things are over. Or they might as well be. They will be soon enough. As David Lynch said tonight - "This is how it wanted to be." It's better to know this on the front end and not fight it, rather than be on the backend lamenting the how's and why's of things.
But even as some things fade away, new things come to take their place. New people. New goals. The excitement of starting again new, learning from your past, making the news things even better than the old things.
Something else I'd like to say tonight, ok?
As my internet was down, I wrote a letter last night. Yes, an actual hand-written letter on notebook paper. And yes, today I bought a stamp and sent it to an actual person. But the thing is this: in part of the letter I kind of introduced myself, in a way. Even though the person kind of knows me a little, I needed to go into a little more detail as to some personal stuff. So I was sitting there with pen in hand, just like the very old days, staring at the page. Thinking about the words I should say, how I should express myself to this person, I realized something.
It shouldn't be great news to me, but it may be the first time I've actually thought this thing about myself.
I either have something extra that others don't, or I'm missing something that others have, and this thing somehow prevents me from relating to people in any kind of meaningful way. People generally do not like me. And even the people that like me don't like me very much, or there's something about me that makes them uneasy. Most of the time this is "more than okay" with me. But there are times when I come across a person I am completely amazed by, and I would love to know them, love to spend time with them. But it never works. They never seem to like me nearly as much as I like them. And, honestly, this causes me pain. Honestly, it makes me like them less. If they can't see me for what I am and embrace it, embrace me...embrace what could be between us, then I have been mistaken. They aren't all that I thought they were.
But that doesn't happen often. Luckily, most people are obviously unworthy.
Still, it would be interesting to be able to know what it is about me. Or about them. That causes this.
