May 2004 Archives

Public Notice:

You have been removed.

update - Tuesday, June 1, 12:24am:

or, more appropriately, I have removed myself.

do you think this is all random?

do you think that i would invest this much time, effort, and money into my home on the web and not have an agenda?

do you think i chose this domain name out of a hat?

in case you might have forgotten me, in case you don't know me at all: i am not riddled with angst.

try reading here again and this time understand that the words you see have all been carefully chosen, nothing here is haphazard.

is it obvious that the ego isn't himself lately?

things have been strange.
i've been keeping myself busy with web work on my other site, trying not to think.
not easy for me.
when i don't think about things, i just get this odd feeling - physically. it feels as if i was whacked in the brain, it's bruised and a bit throbby. not numb, but possibly like a clogged artery. some stuff is getting through, a trickle, enough to keep me alive, but not enough to function properly. sluggish.

it's good for me to write, it's just terribly difficult lately - although I did write a great post last night. it did a pretty good job describing what i was feeling, am feeling. not a complete picture though, and i touched on things i told myself i wouldn't touch on here. and it just might have been a bit on the melodramatic side. i know some of you got to read it before i deleted it, so now you are "in the know", so to speak. thanks for the emails, by the way. now, can you guys burn those words from your memory banks? great, thanks!

and did i mention that i can't sleep. normally, i don't sleep that much. keep odd hours. now i'm actually running on negative sleep. is there such a thing as sleep deficit disorder?

I broke my own rules with this post.

With the morning comes a delete!

I'm about 85% complete with the upgrade to my GT site. I've been working on this thing for about a week now, and tomorrow it shall be finished. This month marks the

The exhaustion continues. But I'm really gonna try to be in bed by three. Jeez.

And here's a pic of my socked foot. You must bow before my socked foot!

sitting here in my insomniac hell, i was overcome with a rush of dirty thoughts.

so i closed my eyes and let them wash over me

...the things we would do to each other

mmmm, god. time to go back and do some more dreaming.

yep. i went to bed.
fell directly asleep!

but then, a mere hour and thirty minutes later, Allison calls and wakes me up.

now here i am again.

son of a ...

I have half a mind to go to bed. I'm so sleepy that my left eye is twitching and won't stop.

I am full of this day, I've had enough. I am scooting away from the table and undoing the top button of my pants. I'm stretching and patting my belly.

I'm done.

too much to sort out tonight to make any kind of cohesive post.

i did manage to make some productive updates to my GT site last night before the headache came.

ah, well. maybe we'll see you back here tomorrow. i'm gonna go look at some boobs.

That is to say, it's not always a good thing to widen your horizons. Sometimes you just know something isn't going to be very good without having to try it first.

Are you guilty of looking for meaning when there is none?

Can you be satisfied that there is no intention...nothing underlying?
that it is what it is and nothing more ?

OR
Do you fail to see the meaning when there is one?

Do you just go along blindly, not seeing what is really there?
- perhaps you choose not to see? -

that this does mean something, it is what it is and more

so much more

i craft sleeps of varying lengths and quality. i am not bound by societal norms of what sleep should be. nor will i heed the advice of so-called "health experts" who advise a full night of uninterrupted sleep. An hour here, two and half there - that's all a person really needs. And that sleep does not necessarily have to be restful sleep. I fill my sleep with strange dreams, contorted body movements, and odd breathing.

I am the eccentric sleepsmith. You only wish your sleep could be this interesting!

like every other day.

I will make it through this day by being strong, by focusing on what needs to be done, by injecting all moments with a snarl or a smirk, by listening to as much music as possible, by filling in the blanks with a giggle, by doing all that I can to avoid that which I hate, and by thinking of tomorrow.

it's gelatin. and it's beginning to set up.

Sweet Lord, I finally got it working.

I just installed NetPBM on my domain to work hand-in-hand with MT. Unless you're another blogger/web person, you don't have any idea what this means. What it means is that I've saved myself a shitload of work when uploading new pics to the photolog/blog on this site. MT will now thumbnail the damn things for me and automatically do the javascript for me. Hooray! You don't understand what a nightmare this process was before. But the nightmare is over! And it only took a day to figure out how to do it. But that's what I love about web design/internet stuffs. It's problem-solving! Think, boy, think! What could be causing this? How can it be fixed? How can I do this?

Other than that, had a quiet night with the girls playing board games here at home. Not what I expected, not what I hoped, but not bad. We played one of those "how well do you know your partner" games. Now they all know my all-time #1 sex fantasy. It wasn't what they thought it was!

so, what's up?

still dead broke and dirty. the future is iffy, at best. but it's rock steady, still chuggin' to the rhythm with sticks or no sticks, still typin' away, still diggin' on the newest shit, still more hardcore than you, still seein' the bigger picture.

people keep on talking, don't they?

that is something that has yet to stop, even for a second. i think they should learn how to do it properly before engaging in that activity. it's kind of pointless.
and by that i mean, i don't think they have a point.

if you could take a length of PVC piping and shove it straight up someone's ass, who would it be?

i would prefer something smaller, something that could really get lodged up there good. perhaps this lighter that i just used to fire up a Marlboro Red.

what's the strangest thing you've applied to your penis?

i think i run the gamut here. pick one. i'll tell you one that was a serious mistake: honey. not fun.

incognito!!

MOSQUITO!! You ain't foolin' me, brotha.

What do you think about all those people killing each other?

I say go for it, just leave me the fuck alone. In fact, that might be the advice I give to anyone at anytime.

Are you done for tonight?

I'm done with this. I've used up my daily allowance of public humilation. See you tomorrow.

so things have been on the negative side for a bit now. negative still. i've been showing you the cycles, i hope you've seen them.

much in my life is "up in the air", as they say, and brother do I hate that. i hate not knowing. not knowing is definitely one of the things i hate. perhaps one of my defining characteristics is that i...must...know. spongy.

this page must really suck to read when i get on these whiny kicks. it sucks to write them, too. it sucks worse to live it.

i'm super unhappy right now. but i'm working on it. until i can fix things...who knows?

It's time for a new job.

My dissatisfaction has reached a level I just can't bear any longer. Time to move along.

It may take several months to find something else, anything else, but so be it.

No more fucking around.

i'm all about experiencing life, whatever happens to be thrown my way. i want to feel it all. i want to feel it all again and again. all things, even the bad things, must be felt. i do not want to escape from the bad.

yet i wonder...i wonder...when will i get to feel the good? why are all the feelings bad or neutral? when will it be time to be okay with my life? when will it be time to experience something wonderful without dreading the bill?

i have forced myself to stretch recently, i have forced myself to be around people more often. i did it because i was dreadfully tired of being alone. but being around people isn't really any better. it's just different. and i'm still alone.

By Doug Tsuruoka

Blogs, short for Web logs, are personal online journals. Individuals post them on Web sites to report or comment on news especially, but also on their personal lives or most any subject.

Some blogs are whimsical and deal with "soft" subjects. Others, though, are cutting edge in delivering information and opinion.

As a result, some analysts say U.S. intelligence and law enforcement officials might be starting to track blogs for important bits of information. This interest is a sign of how far Web media such as blogs have come in reshaping the data-collection habits of intelligence professionals and others, even with the knowledge that the accuracy of what's reported in some blogs is questionable.

Still, a panel of folks who work in the U.S. intelligence field - some of them spies or former spies - discussed this month at a conference in Washington the idea of tracking blogs.

"News and intelligence is about listening with a critical ear, and blogs are just another conversation to listen to and evaluate. They also are closer to (some situations) and may serve as early alerts," said Jock Gill, a former adviser on Internet media to President Clinton (news - web sites), in a later phone interview, after he spoke on the panel.

Some panel and conference participants, because of their profession, could not be identified. But another who could is Robert Steele, another blog booster. The former U.S. intelligence officer said "absolutely" that blogs are valid sources of intelligence and news, though he said authenticating the information in blogs "leaves a lot to be desired."

Steele is founder and CEO of consulting firm OSS.Net, which organized the conference. The OSS '04 conference focused on public sources of intelligence. (OSS stands for open source solutions. In this case, open source is an intelligence term, not a reference to Linux (news - web sites) and open source software.)

China Wants To Block Blogs

The CIA (news - web sites) and FBI (news - web sites) haven't publicly commented about use of blogs in their work, but many D.C. observers believe both agencies monitor certain blogs.

At least one nation, China, is actively tracking blogs. It's also reportedly trying to block blogs. Several press reports earlier this year said the government shut two blogging services and banned access to all Web logs by Chinese citizens.

Many journalists write blogs and use other blogs to help find sources or verify facts and rumors. Blogs hail from just about any spot on the globe. They can provide first-hand insights into local events and thinking, even in parts of the world where there's little official information.

One example is the "Baghdad Blogger."

In March 2003, as U.S. forces stormed Iraq (news - web sites), one of the few sources on the Iraqi viewpoint was a blog written by a person who turned out to be 29-year-old Iraqi architect Salam Pax, though it's not certain that is his real name.

Some reporters followed his blog daily, which gave gritty insights into how the war was shaking the lives of Iraqis.

The U.S. military never publicly acknowledged Pax, but people at the conference say they believe U.S. military officers read the blog.

Some news organizations valued the blog. Britain's Guardian newspaper was so impressed that it hired Pax in May 2003 to write a biweekly column on life in Baghdad. He's still writing it.

Blogs last year also provided information during the outbreak of severe acute respiratory syndrome. In China, where the SARS (news - web sites) outbreak began, the government at first said little. But health officials and reporters were able to get a sense of what was happening through blogs, as well as from e-mail and cell phone text messages sent to people outside China. This might have spurred China's blog crackdown.

Gill says blogs are a good way to uncover news that regular media aren't covering or can't cover. "Blogs may be the best and only channel for such news stories," Gill said.

NGOs Already Get Attention

Various U.S. agencies already scan the Web sites of so-called nongovernmental organizations, or NGOs, for information on political, economic and environmental issues. So tracking blogs isn't a big step. And there are software products and online services for this task.

While blog postings are voluntary and available to anyone to read, some observers say blog monitoring by governments or the media raises civil liberties and privacy issues. One such critic is James Love, director of the Ralph Nader (news - web sites)-affiliated Consumer Project on Technology.

"When you're conducting surveillance where you have no expectation of illegal activity, there has to be some threshold to justify such surveillance," Love said.

Some point to other dangers in using blogs for intelligence or news. Blogs can be used to spread lies or disinformation.

It's hard to fact check a blog account of an event in a remote area like Mongolia. Plus, many bloggers don't use their real names. Confirming identities can be hard.

In Baghdad last September, guerillas fired two surface-to-air missiles at a U.S. military transport, but missed. A blogger in Baghdad who goes by the name "Riverbend" wrote that the plane carried Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who was then in Iraq.

The report proved false, but it confused the media.

Determining blog accuracy is the crucial first step to taking it further, warned Tim Witcher, who spoke at the conference. He's the former Seoul, Korea, bureau chief for Agence France-Presse, a news service. "A blog only becomes news when we can be 100% sure that it's true," he said.

i stand before all that is good and holy and swear upon all righteous things - if i have to listen to/read/endure one more of you fucking communication wizards squeeze out one more long, hot, curling shit of an utterance, i will flush you and your words into the septic tank of death before I myself disintegrate into six thousand four hundred and nineteen tiny, pissed-off, deaf army ants that will march across the earth devouring all that get in their way.

also. i've deleted the message boards.
so now there are no message boards and you can't leave comments.
fuck you.
you had your fucking chance. all of you.

reasons - an incomplete list

- i don't, and I never will.

- strawberries!

- i can move my little toe

- some call it loyal, some call it creepy.

- i'll do your homework for you and you'll get an "A"

- you have my word: I'll never slip you the tongue. when we're kissing. unless you slip me yours first.

- i've got great hair!

- red is my fave color!

- i'll let you know when it's time

- i take lots and lots and lots of showers

- i have a knack for breaking complex things down into their most simple elements, and i also have a knack for turning the simplest shit into something no one could ever understand.

- i'm big. no, not like that. just big.

- i will never, never let you down.

- if you tell me what you want, and i can get it or do it, you will have it

- i'm low maintenance

- i don't cheat. i don't have to. it's my game and i make the rules

- i have chest hair in the shape of a bat. the animal, not the stick.

- i am organized like a motherfucker.

- i'm thinking about it right now

- i can't stand large-breasted women

- it's 2:45 am and I'm up writing. while you sleep, i think.

- once a week i get a headache that would cause normal people to blow their brains out to stop the pain. bunch of pussies.

- i have my own website that's all about me. top that! nyah!

Shaggy makes his entrance...

You can find all pics from the show here.

Derby Night we were lucky enough to be entertained once again by the brilliant Bodeco.

Highlights:

- Bright Lights at the End of the Road !!!

- Kris continues to make friends with the beautiful Diane

- New Songs!!

- Nick's stylin' suit

- Gene Wickliffe is wicked good.

It's a long and rocky road, ladies and gents, but as long as I still get nights like this one every once in awhile, I think I'll be alright.

God, I love this band.

Oh, and here's my signed setlist from the Louisville Legends themselves...