August 2004 Archives

That last post was to let you guys know that the ego is not, in fact, down and out.

Maybe a little down, but not down and out.

It takes more than twisting a life in my back to put me out of commission!

no, wait.

it doesn't get any better than this.

this is the fucking pinnacle, the apex. there's nowhere to go from here but down.

i've still got it, never lost it. now go piss off, you turd.

I'm in the process of posting up some new songs for the radio blog.

If you really, really want to know what I'm feeling tonight, what I've been feeling for awhile now - take a listen. Although they don't encompass all my emotions, quite a few are there. "Safe Home" and "My Happy Ending". "Fragile". "Dry Your Eyes".

So it's seven o'clock now. Phone hasn't rang all day. But really, who would be calling?

I'm not so sad tonight, I wouldn't be such bad company.

Blah.

"live up to my promise, my full potential realized"

---

Been to work and back!

Napped!

Laundry is drying, dishes are done!

Boxes are unpacked!

Hotbox fanatically checked!

It's 5:30. Now what?

Alright! It's Saturday! Woo-hoo!

What do I have lined up for today? I need to sleep for a few hours first. Then, I get to go to work for a half-day. Get things started off right, baby!

After that?

Well...

Laundry and dishes!

I'm finally going to unpack the few remaining boxes that are sitting in my living room. Maybe I'll even box up some of her stuff for her.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll move my clothes into the actual bedroom closet. That was always hers. I don't see why it must be so now.

Then perhaps a nap!

Fanatically check my mojo hotbox throughout the day!

Keep my phone by my side so I'll be sure to hear it when it doesn't ring!

Google the term "Gazelle Scrotum" just for kicks? That might be a little crazy.

Too much for one day!!

I succumbed to Hershey Bar fever yesterday. I'm not proud, but I can't lie about it. Sometimes, only a Hershey Bar will do.

You know, the ones with almonds.

It's Friday now again. How is that possible?

As I type this, I should be taking a shower. Might be late for work. Oh god, nooooooooooo!

But before I go for today, I say this: now that I'm sleeping through the night, I find myself sleepier than usual. I think it's the whole waking up alone thing. Wake up, see you're still alone, get depressed, want to go back to sleep.

Who cares!

It was two weeks ago tonight. Seems like a year ago, seems like a day ago.

Yep. No need to be beat the dead horse inside my head, huh? The less I can think about it, the better.

It's an interesting position for me to be in, this one. A time in my life when I need people, and I need people who know me. Not too many of those around these parts! In fact, that would be a big zero...

But I have lived a few years, so I do know a few people. And those people have no idea how much their support during this crisis has meant to me. I've told them, but I don't think I can tell them enough.

To my friends, who though physically are thousands of miles away, have been there for me as if they were right here by my side - I love you all. And all of you are welcome to move back home any second now!

And yes, by the way, I now DO know who my real friends are...and who my real friends aren't.

in another two weeks or so I'll have the apartment back into normal shape.

I don't want to rush things!

Seriously, I do have to go through alot of stuff and seperate out and throw away, and that's not the easiest thing to do right now. But I digress.

I have other things to worry about as well. This whole moving from two incomes to one - very interesting. I didn't have much breathing room before. Now? Hmmm. I had better come up with some very creative budgetizing.

I did get out the house today with mom and dad. Ran a few errands and bought a couple of books. To keep me company during the next five thousand nights I'll have to spend alone!

I should give a big shout out to Louisville Mojo for keeping me sane lately. I've already met several really cool people there, and it's keeping my mind off of my current situation as good as anything I can imagine. Thanks guys and girls!

If anyone knows the blonde bartender girl at the Blue Martini...

OMG. I know it's not polite to stare, but she's amazing.

Well, snot. This was a rough day. A long, quiet day.

I'm still finding motivation to be elusive. I still have plenty to unpack, plenty to clean. Yet...things remain unpacked and messy. It's just that I get to working on it, and then I start thinking. It's that thinking that gets me in trouble every time.

I need to get out of the house today. But what to do? That's free, I mean.

Here's where I am: I'm alone, and I hate it. I don't have any friends right now. I want to get out of the house and do something, but I don't know what to do, and even if I did I wouldn't want to do because I would be doing it alone. So I stay in. And so I'm home alone. Which makes me want to get out, because being home alone sucks.

You see how this is an evil cycle?
Oh, snot.

It looks like another lonely night at the Lincoln homestead.

One day at a time, one day at a time...

OK. Well, shit. I'm pathetic. I admit it.

I have too much spare fucking time on my hands. Too. Much. On my hands. Spare fucking. Time.

I've made oodles of progress through this mountain of shit I've been handed. But tonight was a hard night.

I need some friends. That's all. Friends. Not sure where to find some, but that's what I need. A person or persons to help fill up this void in my life.

Anybody know where to find people who would like to be my friend?
I'm open to suggestions!

Desperation sucks.

This is me. Pondering the last week and a half of my life.

Well, folks. It looks like my marriage is over. I say "looks like" because, unfortunately, my wife has not been forthcoming with the information. I assume she's gone for good. There's a life-altering event for you! Holy Smokes!

And did I mention that house we were buying? Well, it is no more. I thought long and hard about it, I crunched numbers, I tried to read my own psyche, see what I could do, what I could handle. And I couldn't handle it, either financially or emotionally. Not yet.

What else has happened recently?

How about this: at the time she left, my wife was in the process of buying a drum set for me. Those of you who know me also know that I yearn to be the Rhythm King. I've dreamed of owning a drum set since I was about...12, I guess. It, too, is now gone! Hooray!

Oh, and let's not forget this one! Mandy moved to Florida to get married to her sweety. Which is great, but, that kinda leaves me all alone. Poor me, I know. But I'm going to miss her. And I really do need her right now.

And so what I have been up to during this time?

Not a whole lot. But I do have to tell you, yesterday and today I have actually felt sane. I haven't cried. Now I'm beginning to feel some anger. I think I'm moving properly through the stages of grief, huh?

What's next?

I have no idea.

Less than an hour ago, my wife left me.

I didn't watch her walk out the door, but I heard the door close.

I don't know what to do! I've been crying so hard for so long, but it has finally stopped for a few minutes.

My wife left me! I'm looking at the words and I know they are true, but they can't be. This isn't happening, it can't be happening.

But it has already happened. What am I supposed to do? Is there anything I can do? I know I don't sound very full of emotion, but I've hit the emotional wall at this point. Everything is numb, and yet throbbing at the same time.

OK. I quit for now.

I think I quit for good.

The ego is the proud owner of a new house.

For anyone in - stra- sted , here are some pics of Egoland, USA.