April 2005 Archives

the square of constant evaluation
minus
trying unsuccessfully to stop
divided by
being hurt times being scared times optimism
equals
one fucked up dude

i am a thirsty mouse who sees his water spout and begins to run toward it frantically only to have my tail grabbed. my legs are still running, running, running...but i'm just not getting any closer to my goal.

but i'll tell you one thing: at least i didn't get stuck on a glue trap.

oh, and i can bite.

I don't have any fires. In fact, I am as fireless as a man can be.

I fucking hate this. Everything about this.

You're the love of my life, and then you gorge with me a knife...
and I'm blue.

i have little fires burning all over the place, little bits and balls of action and possibilities. i am managing my fires well.

some are very tiny and fragile. i hold them in my palm and cover them with my other hand, gently blowing on them to help them grow.

some are as big as they are going to get, soon they will ember away and die without ever having burned to their full potential

others started on their own and are not under my control. they will do as they can, they will do as please. but i'm watching them.

i know you, and that isn't the person you are.

does this pass your personal social exchange?

or do you not want to admit a mistake?

blog on...

and on and on and on and on, til the break of dawn.

it's a been a good and bad different.

i'm so tired of waiting. waiting and waiting. alone and alone. waiting alone. working and waiting and wondering and waiting and trying not to lose my mind this time this time i think i'm losing my mind.

for a week so little sleep, so foggy with the murkness. yet Windex moments.

nothing accomplished, but some decisions made. tick tock. hung out some. dreamt. twice dreamt. told. wish upon a star. Lava Lamp.

greenery smelled. head bopped.

home for nothing. home for nothing. home for nothing. no reason to be here. home. home. is this right? acclimation, maybe. home? for nothing? alone.

Slipootricus.

The all-encompassing, omnipresent blah.

And, when all is said and done, I'd really rather not be up this early.

The inactivity here is due to some major technical difficulties with the Perl installation on my host's server. I've been working on the problem for quite awhile now, and finally all is resolved. Now you shall have me as often as before, and maybe better.

I'm headaching tonight. I'm currently riding a 16 tylenol high right now, so things are hazy. All I know is I just got to talk to my baby for a full hour and I am happy and smiling! I miss her so much.

I'll try to shoot some pics of the inside of the house soon to share with you. I'm kind of booked up the rest of the week, but maybe I can do it over the weekend.

If I don't get to talk to you tomorrow - Happy Birthday to me!

and yet...