November 2005 Archives

i rearranged some things in the house today. i brought my cd's upstairs and placed one of the racks on a shelf overlooking my computer. tonight as i sat down here and glanced up, noticing a series of discs that were lined up in my line of sight. chris whitley. it had been some months since i'd listened, bathed in the joy his music brings to me. i reached up and grabbed his first CD, living with the law, and placed it in the tray. as the title track queued up i decided to visit his website to see if i'd missed anything. and i had.

chris whitley died one week ago today.
how could i not have felt it?
i feel it now. i feel it now.

how do i deliver an eloquent enough eulogy for this man? for this man who meant, who means, so very much to me? for this man whose songs are so tightly integrated into my life of the last ten years? i can't possibly. all i can do hold on to the words, to the sounds, to the memories...chris, you have been one of my greatest muses and have inspired so much of my thought and writing. you take me to places i cannot reach any other way.

i will have to live with the regret of that night at Phoenix Hill forever.

goodbye, my friend.

I still proudly display your bowl. I still proudly display your favorite toy, my cell phone pouch. I still take loving care of your parents. I still hear your voice, still see you chasing a string or light on the wall, I still see you panting. I am still moved to tears by the thought of you. You will always be with me Andrei.

so much for those. so much for them.

i mean what i say.

i mean what i say, so listen...to the words that are near...past the sound of your fear...listen, and try to hear.

it's no surprise that we carry around with us all that we've seen, all that we've heard, all that we've done, all those we've loved. but if we can just see each day with brand new eyes. if we can keep the good and let the bad wash away.

so this is sanity.

and all day will i feel strange.

It's yet another night done.
I wonder wonder wonder wonder. Oh, do I wonder!
I wonder if old friends still care. I wonder if anyone still reads these words. I wonder if it matters.
I sit, in wonder, of all the things that have ever happened to me to lead me here.
I have often thought that because certain things happened, certain things were meaningless...and not only meaningless but also untrue. But I have often been wrong. I have often been right.
I have often been right. More often than not. Secrets we keep, eventually everyone finds out. And the secret wasn't worth keeping. If something is it should not be hidden.

I play the numbers game, it gets me through until tomorrow when I can play the game again. I've been playing a very long time, I know the numbers well. It's only with the numbers that I can win, that I can survive. Sometimes the numbers seem too large to manage. But the numbers I've seen...
Today's number is 11.