November 26, 2006. Yikes. It's 4:30 on a Sunday morning. I had the windows open up here all day and it is now freezitated in this giant open space. But I'm wearing new flannel pj's so it's okay.
Things went a little crazy a few weeks ago. Not only is there a new daily-living reality that is less than smiles, most of my long-held hopes for this house and my bank account when zippity dancing out of the window. I had been holding on dearly for March 2007 - in fact, it was this hope-clinging that made living here tolerable. Knowing that change was coming. But now change isn't coming, it's pretty much evaporated and things will mostly just be staying the same. Which makes me wonder this about myself: how will I continue with the one thing that was allowing me continue now gone? There are certain stories about my adult life as you well know, but perhaps of them all the overriding theme has been insanity inducing patience. Patience. If ever there was a man who embraced, nay - exuded, instant gratification it is I. But for all kinds of reasons and in all kinds of ways I have been forced to make decisions that delayed for great lengths of time my own satisfaction. For the most part I have made these decisions to endure extended holding pattern periods due to the value I placed on personal relationships and my determination to see situations through - to push myself and to show the world. The world always gets the last laugh. Each time I near the end of the waiting, just when all of the benefits and the payoff of having succeeded appear on the horizon...the rules change and the game ends. I can't tell you how fucking sick of this I am.
