yes, this is all there is!
and son of a bitch, i didn't turn on the radio...for the fifteenth fucking time, I did not turn on the radio!
ah, fuck it. i'll get up.
Yes, I have had major issues lately. Some quite apparent, some still a
bit fuzzy or completely lurking in the periphery. No bones about it!
Yes, I am seeking some professional help. No bones!
Concurrently,
I have surprised myself by actually responding well to some of the,
errr..., pressure. Be there no doubt, I can still most certainly
disappoint myself on the follow-through. I would not doubt it!
But
that I've at least made <i>some</i> major changes, and
several minor changes, in my behavior is a sign that brings me pride,
and hope. Not too much! But, some.
In the past I have been all
too unwilling too bend whatsoever. Perhaps I am experiencing, what I
believe is called in the jargon of the day, growth.
It is all it's cranked up to be.
don't eat the foie fucking gras!
My survival tactics:
a. Focus on only one goal. An attainable goal.
b. Spend more time lifting weights
c. Measure progress incessantly
d. Stop trying to be perfect
e. Forgive me, Ayn, for taking a line from the serenity prayer...accept those things i cannot change
I realized fully today that I am losing my grip on sanity. I really do think I'm slowly losing my mind.
Everyday, the chaos grows stronger. The stress and frustration are eating me alive.
at the end of my wits. i am seriously fucked up and fucked over and
i've done it all to myself. no, it did not feel good. i did not enjoy
it. i continue to be nonplussed when i look in the mirror. i am not a
happy guy. the state of the me is in disarray and i am totally
incompetent as to how to fix it. is this the bottom? i thought i'd
been there before, and maybe i was. maybe i only reached and grabbed a
small tree growing on the side of the mountain i'd climbed and that i
was now falling from...if so, the little fella was no match for my bulk
and its tiny limb has snapped and i am again in free fall. well, i am
no wile e. fucking coyote. no umbrella to pull out my ass now. no
"i'm fucked" sign to hold up to the camera. and i won't be getting up
walking away like an accordion from the impact crater.
